I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve read all of the Twilight books and seen all of the Twilight movies released so far. And, yes, I will be going to see Breaking Dawn — both installments. What’s going to be different this time is that I won’t be going with just a group of Lautner- and Pattinson-obsessed girls. There will be boys. Lots of them.
Or at least there should be.
How do I know this? Because there are a few things men aren’t going to want to miss. Consider the following:
1. Destructive vampire sex. Edward and Bella get married because it’s the only way they can finally have sex. (Mormon writer, remember?) Edward whisks his new bride off to a Brazilian island his family happens to own for the honeymoon — yes, we will be seeing a lot of glittering vampire skin — and then Bella begs and begs for him to consummate the marriage. He finally relents and Edward’s strength and love-making prowess knock Bella unconscious. She wakes up in a broken bed and is badly beaten — she’s seriously black and blue. And pregnant. Pregnant, I tell you!
2. Monster sperm. Yes, somehow Edward’s undead sperm is actually super virile vampire sperm that almost instantly sends Bella into fried chicken-craving morning sickness. Every other second she’s eating fried chicken, eggs and pretzels or vomiting fried chicken, eggs and pretzels. And all the while she’s begging for more violent, headboard-destroying vampire sex.
3. Attack of the killer baby. What’s the gestation period of a bland teenage protagonist/100-year-old vampire hybrid? About a month. So naturally the mutant baby has to grow at an alarming rate. And because it’s part vampire it’s incredibly strong — so strong, in fact, that it starts killing Bella from the inside out. With every kick it breaks. Bella’s. ribs. Seriously. I can’t wait to see Kristen Stewart try to pour her usual teenage angst into this scene.
4. Please sleep with my wife. Edward can’t stand to see Bella in such pain so he decides that if his wife wants a baby so badly then she should probably just have sex with a werewolf. So he finds Jacob (who will hopefully be shirtless for the entire movie) and asks him to impregnate Bella with his Native American werewolf sperm. As a reader, I can only assume that werewolf hybrid babies have normal gestation periods and no violent supernatural pregnancy side effects.
5. C-section with bite. Bella goes into labor and immediately slips into unconsciousness as her beloved vampire-hybrid baby begins to kill her from inside the womb. No one has ever delivered a vampire baby before, but seeing as vampires have very tough skin, the Cullens operate under the assumption that the placenta must be made of some nearly indestructible material like diamond-encrusted supersteel — so naturally Edward gives Bella a C-section WITH HIS TEETH. Blood is everywhere. Bella is dying. Her newborn baby bites her. Edward is spiraling into depression and can barely find the strength to shoot his dying wife full of his vampire venom.
6. Love at first (pedophiliac) sight. When Jacob — who is deeply depressed because Bella, the personality-less, Brit-lit loving girl of his dreams, chose Edward over him — first sees Bella’s baby girl, something magical and illegal happens. He falls in love with it. Yes, you read that right. HE FALLS IN LOVE WITH A BABY. You see, there’s this werewolf thing known as “imprinting” where falling in love is out of the werewolf’s control. While Jacob doesn’t want to immediately marry the baby, that day will soon come. But for now he must change the baby’s diapers and learn how to pronounce her mouthful of a name: Renesmee.
7. The other red meat. Edward’s venom saves Bella’s life, but naturally turns her into a vampire. She awakes beautiful, glittering and starving, so she runs into the woods looking for a snack. This will undoubtedly be one of my favorite parts of the movie because I’ll get to see Kristen Stewart kill a freaking mountain lion with her bare hands and drink gushing warm blood from its jugular. It’s going to be nothing short of amazing.
8. Vampire war. The second half of the book — and I assume, the second Breaking Dawn movie — is devoted to recruiting vampire nomads to help the Cullens, the werewolves and their creepy telepathic baby defeat the Volturi. The special effects are going to be an absolute nightmare as Summit Entertainment attempts to create the following: an Amazon woman vampire who creates illusions like making everyone blind, an Egyptian vampire who controls the Earth’s elements and an Alaskan vampire who shoots electricity out of her skin a la Elle Bishop in Heroes, among others. I would have trouble taking this seriously even if they weren’t all glittering in the process.
Plus, there’s going to be more Dakota Fanning, and, unfortunately, if I remember correctly, she survives the battle. (Why can I never see Dakota Fanning killed off in a movie?!) I use the term “battle” loosely because honestly, nothing happens. It’s just two groups of sparkling undead and some giant wolves having a standoff in the woods — vampire detente, if you will.
So, ladies, if you want your man to accompany you to Breaking Dawn I and II, I suggest you play down the actionless battle scene and play up the wild vampire sex and the fact that a WEREWOLF FALLS IN LOVE WITH A BABY. Honestly, who wouldn’t want to see that?
Photo: I found the image here and it’s simply brilliant.